It's a Metaphor
by knumpanella
Summary: AU Hazel dies, but not the way she was supposed to. Plot twist in the end. 2-3 chapters
1. Chapter 1

Everybody knew that she was going to die. Sooner or later we all bite it and we all knew that it would be sooner in her case. But still. Nobody saw it coming. Nobody could've possibly seen it coming. Well, nobody except for me.

**FLASHBACK**

I'm walking through the forrest. As I walk, the trees, once of rich browns and bright greens, get darker and grayer, with each step I take, the noises of the woods get eerier, despair seems to settle down on the lifeless leaves of the trees and on me. My left leg starts to hurt and the pain gets worse with every step I take.

I'm dreaming. I know that for sure. I have no idea how I know, everything feels so real, but I know.

All of sudden the light shining through the leaves gets brighter. Without me noticing the leaves have regained some of their original color. I come to a halt. Im standing on a meadow. When I turn around, the forrest lies dark and with an eerie glow behind me, but when I face the direction I was walking in, I see bright light, I hear the quiet noises of small animals shushing through the forrest, I smell wood and green leaves.

I start to walk again, but when I take one foot off of the ground I stumble and fall. I look at my left leg. I look where my left leg is supposed to be. Nothing. Just shimmering air where once were flesh and bone. I look back to the dark forrest behind me and see that my left leg has somehow grown into one of the trees. It's a part of the forrest now. The forrest took it from. I try to stand up. I fall. I try again. I stand. I grab a long and thick stick from the ground and start walking again. I don't even know where, I just want to get away from that sinister forrest.

I look at the gap where my leg used to be. I notice that with every step I take something continues to form beneath me. It's not my leg, it's something mechanical, like a prothesis. It's not the same as my leg, but at least I don't need the crutch anymore. As I keep walking through the now bright forrest a creature begins to form beside me. The form of a girl. She somehow looks familiar, but not in a good way. But then she smiles at me and the familiarness is gone. At first it's a shy smile, but as we keep walking the smile grows bigger and more trusting. But as her smile grows, her eyes loose their gleam, her skin looses color.

Suddenly I notice that the forrest on her side of the path we're walking on is getting darker and moresinister with every step she takes. Her breathing hitches and every now and then we have to stop so that she can catch her breath. And suddenly I know. I was supposed to die in that other dark part of the forrest, but I didn't. Something saved me from my fate. And now this girl is supposed to die. I don't want to loose her. I want to stop, want to save her from her fate, don't want her to take another single step further, further towards her certain death. I can't stop, but I manage to walk slower and does she. Even though we are walking much slower now, we soon reach the end of the path, the end of the forrest and step into a clearing. At first I'm relieved, we're out of that creepy forrest, but then I see that we're standing on the edge of a cliff. A pitch black bottomless whole yawns thirty feet in front of us like a pit of despair opening right before our eyes. The girl starts to walk towards the cliff. She doesn't look like she wants to, more like she's accepted her fate. I don't want her to go, but even worse than seeing her go is seeing her go alone. I catch up with her and take her hand. She smiles up at me. Cracked lips, pale skin, sunken cheeks but seeing her smile eases the pain I now feels in my heart a little. At least we have these last precious moment together. And all of sudden she's gone. I don't understand. We haven't reached the edge of the cliff yet. She still has some time left. We still have some time left. I don't understand.

I wake up.

**END OF FLASHBACK **


	2. Chapter 2

The day of her funeral was a bright one. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, not a single cloud to stain the perfectly blue sky. Some people said a few words. I wasn't one of them. I didn't know what to say. That she fought bravely? That she never gave up? That she battled her disease until the very end? I don't think that she would've liked hearing me say those things things. She wasn't exactly a fan of cliches. But in the end it wasn't the cancer that took her anyway. The cancer didn't work fast enough on her. Something else did.

**FLASHBACK**

When the plane sets on the ground back home I feel a sadness fall over me. This was most likely my second and last time flying and it definitely was her last time, too.

She told me about her cancer getting worse again just the night before.

We were walking the streets of Amsterdam one last time before we'd get out luggage and drive to the airport.

She didn't cry or even look sad when she told me. She was calm. Like she'd accepted her fate. I remembered the dream I'd had the night before. How calm and collected the girl looked while the forrest was getting darker. Now I recognized her. It was Hazel Grace.

She told me that she was sorry that she didn't tell me earlier, that she understands if I hated her now, after what happened between us and everything. I told her that I would've made the exact same decision if I had known. She started crying then. I hugged her and told her that I would be at side until the end.

When the engine stops I think about that night. When she told me I was so worried about her that I didn't quite got to think about what that means for me. Now it finally sinks in. I'll loose her. I don't want to loose her. I can't loose her.

She's been sleeping against my shoulder for the past two hours, but now she's slowly waking up. She smiles up at me. It's a tired smile. Her lips crack when they widen. Her skin is pale as snow. I remember my dream again. I remember what I thought: We still have some time. I'll be with her until the very end. I smile back.

When we step out of the airport building and into the bright sunlight we see Hazel Graces dad already waiting for us with the car. He completely ignores Mrs. Lancaster and me and rushes forward to embrace Hazel Grace in a tight hug. I understand now that he isn't just hugging her as a loving father anymore, but as a father who knows that he hasn't got much time with his beloved daughter left. Their hug remembers me of what I am, too, about to loose. I can't bear the sight so I look away.

We get in the car. The thump of the cars doors getting shoved close has something final. Our trip is over. We're back in reality. Hazel Graces cancer is getting worse. I'm going to loose her. The engine roars to live, ripping me out of my depressing thoughts.

While we're driving on the highway Hazel Grace, her mom and I take turns telling Mr. Lancaster about our trip. Hazel Graces dad is listening carefully, her mom is turning around to smile at us, Hazel Grace first smiles at her mom, then at me, I smile back. Nobody sees the truck coming.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

After the funeral was over and everybody was heading home, Isaac came over. Fortunately he didn't say anything like "I'm sorry for your loss" or "She's in a better place now". He knew better than to give me that crap. So he just said: "Sorry for smashing all your trophies. I guess you could need something to break now..."

But I didn't want to break something. Not even that damned truck.

Instead I told him that I just needed some time alone now.

I got into my car and drove to the gas station I always bought my packs of cigarettes at.

The guy behind the counter already knew me. When I first started coming here he wouldn't sell me cigarettes. After I explained to him what I was gonna to with them he just stared at me for a few seconds then laughed and said: "That's a new one, I must give you that!". When I kept coming back, insisting that I was telling the truth he believed after some time. When I came in this time, he said: "For someone who doesn't smoke you have a rather high consumption of cigarettes. Same as usual?"

"No, just a lighter..." I answered.

"What, you gonna start smoking for real now, boy? You know that these things can kill you, right?"

I laughed. I was surprised when I actually managed to make it sound genuine. "Do you see me buying a lighter _and_ cigarettes?"

After that he didn't argue anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

**FLASHBACK**

I walk out of the gas station, the lighter feeling both strangely heavy and promising in my pocket.

I get in my car. On my way I almost hit a tree and a traffic light. Hazel Grace was right. I really do drive horrifically.

When I get out of the car the sun has already started to set. I start to make my way through the now in bronze light covered tombstones of the graveyard where Hazel Grace is buried. I still remember the way from earlier this day. When I arrive at her grave, the sun is barely a stripe on the horizon anymore. I pull the lighter out of my left pocket and full pack of unlighted cigarettes I bought weeks ago out of my right pocket. With a trained motion I shake a cigarette out of the box and put it in my mouth. Less trained is the motion of lightning the cigarette, but I manage.

As I take the first puff of a cigarette that now has the power to do it's killing, the sun finally sets, taking all remaining light with it.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

So, this is basically the end, but i will post an additional chapter (kind of like an epilogue) later today today or tomorrow.

Thank you all for reading and I would really appreciate it, if you left a review in case you noticed something about my writing that needs improvement (I'm sure there's something).


	4. Chapter 4

As the life is slowly draining out of me, I remember my first time ever smoking a cigarette for real. It was the day of Hazel Graces funeral. I smoked the whole package that night. I sat by her grave and talked to her while lightning one cigarette after the other. After that night I continued to smoke one package a day.

Three month have passed since the day of Hazel Graces funeral. 92 days, 92 packages of cigarettes, 1.748 cigarettes.

I remember coming home after smoking the first package. My parents had been waiting up for me and, of course, the smelled the smoke immediately. I didn't get in trouble though. My mom stayed calm and just asked: "Did you smoke?"

I answered: "Yes."

"Why? I thought it was a metaphor..."

I just said: "Metaphors are for people who are trying to say something. I don't have anything to say anymore."

"But you don't have to start smoking the cigarettes for real. Just stop buying them. You don't even enjoy them, do you? You always said just the smell of cigarettes makes you want to throw up."

I said nothing after that. I didn't want to tell her the truth, though I suspected that had guessed what I was doing. I wasn't smoking to enjoy, I was smoking to die.

Two months later I was admitted to the hospital because the cancer had returned, worse this time. The doctors gave me another month, maybe two.

Now, one month later, I am lying in my hospital bed and reading the last six pages of "An Imperial Affliction" one last time. I've read it at least four times over the course of the past few weeks. It reminds me of her and how she died, in the middle of her life, in the middle of a sentence. I won't die like that. I will die at the end of my life, even after it, for my life was over the moment her heart stopped beating.

As I finish the book and lie it down next to my hospital bed, I can hear the heart monitors beeps slowing down and I know that they soon will come to a stop.

I shake the last cigarette of the package I had with me when I first met Hazel Grace, out of the box and put it between my teeth without lighting it.

I lie back into the pillows and close my eyes, because the risen sun is too bright in my losing eyes.

If someone entered the room now, they would hear a boy with an unlit cigarette between his teeth whispering "Okay.", followed by the long and final beep of a heart monitor.

_So this is the epilogue I promised (sorry for posting so late, my inspiration was kinda not there these past few days). I hope you enjoy it, and again, if you notice something about my writing that needs improvement, please let me know. Of course, I'd also appreciate positive reviews ;)_


End file.
